There's Always F**king Somethin'

Lovin' what you do and lovin' who you are......

2012-02-27T23:10:00.000-08:00

February 27, 2012

I LOVE what I do!!!! I am blessed for every submission, every audition, and of course, every booking. After years of having doors slammed in my face, being too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, over trained, under trained, needing new pictures, new reels, updated websites, comedy classes, theatrical classes, improv classes, various classes for "special skills", and everything and anything under the sun that any human being can use to "improve" or "sell" themselves with, I HAVE DONE IT ALL!!!!!
With the birthday that just passed, I was overwhelmed with the love I received. Whether it was through cards and gifts in the mail, phone calls, text messages, emails, and even postings on Facebook and Twitter, I felt true love from friends and family. I have an amazing group of people from home, people I grew up with, that I went to elementary school with, all the way through my senior year in high school. We all still stay in touch, and the out pouring of encouragement for all of my crazy ventures and endeavors from them, warms my heart. So to all of you, and you know who you are, I am blessed, and thank you!!
Friends I have made as an adult, are in my life forever. Many of them are thousands of miles away, but I know I can pick up the phone and share a laugh or a cry at any time, and always feel important when they drop whatever they are doing to give me the time I need. And to you all, I thank you.
And to my family, everyone is far away, but the support I receive, after many, many, many years of me aggravating them all, I still get encouragement to pursue my dreams.
When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. I have become comfortable with myself in the past few years and appreciate my age, my wisdom, my mistakes and misfortunes, and look upon everything as life lessons: smile and move on. Sometimes it is easier to move on from things that tug at your heart, but alas, we all know, time heals ALL wounds.
So, to make fun of myself, my career, and all of my silliness over the years, here is a video 2 of my best friends help me make, ENJOY. Laugh at yourself, Love yourself, YOU are all you have sometimes.........

Shit Actors Say:

Appreciating the Odds of Acting

2012-01-25T10:31:00.000-08:00

1-25-12

How many talented people are there out in the world trying to get auditions? How many in Miami, New York, New Orleans, Chicago, and of course, Los Angeles? Many times I find myself reminding my friends to be GRATEFUL!!!! From doing Casting Workshops over the years, and having numerous friends in production, I have learned, the hard way, the odds of an actual audition:
For TV and Film or Commercials, for any one given Co-Star, Guest Star, or Day Player role, there could be anywhere from 500-5000 submissions, coming from agents, managers, and self submissions from actors on their on-line websites such as, LA Casting, Actors Access, Now Casting, Casting Frontier, just to name a few. Of those, maybe 50-75 will be seen, 100 at the most. Of those 50-100 seen for the first round of auditions, 10-15, if that many, will get the "Call-back." There could be a "Second Callback" and a producer's session could be down to 1 actor, or up to 3.

So whether you have 1, 2, or 3 auditions per day, per week, per month, ALWAYS be GRATEFUL!! Appreciate the time it takes you to get ready, learn your sides, work with a friend, partner, or coach. Clear your head, drive safely, be courteous to the secretary, assistant, security, camera operator, anyone and everyone you encounter from the moment you get out of your house, until you return home. Greet fellow actors in the waiting room. Thank the Casting Director as you walk out the door for "Calling you in." Be happy. Be thankful. When you appreciate what you do, it will read all over your face! You will be amazed how much more you start auditioning and in turn, BOOKING, by a simple change in attitude!

I am also grateful for my Union. The Screen Actors Guild has supplied me with tools and opportunities to further my career through free workshops, panel discussions with actors, casting directors, and agents, classes, conservatories, Film Societies, and Screenings. SAG Foundation and Actor's Fund can also help those that are in financial restraint. I feel blessed everyday to have people on my side.

Now go out there, and live your dreams.....

Being truly inspired

2012-01-09T09:49:00.000-08:00

1-9-12

Last night, I was truly inspired. I had heard of the Bradley Cooper episode of "Inside the Actor's Studio" and was told it was emotional, but little did I know he was a graduate of the amazing PACE school in New York. I was anxious to see it for myself and found him to be genuine, sincere, and grateful for everything he learned and every job he has booked since he graduated in 2000. In just over a decade, this new Hollywood star brought back the to me the reasons why I do what I do, why I love it, and always being humbled when I book work and see my career slowly coming into fruition.

And then to see where he ended up, later on:

AMAZING!!!!!!
ANYTHING is possible!!!!!! Believe, work hard, prepare yourself, and opportunities will manifest. May you all be blessed and feel inspired to do what you love and love whatever you do.

Some "Words of Wisdom and Encouragement" for a Sunday afternoon

2012-01-08T12:43:00.000-08:00

1-8-12

DARE TO SUCCEED

“Success is a journey, not a destination.”
Ben Sweetland

DETERMINATION
“I am always doing things I cannot do, that’s how I get to do them.”
Pablo Picasso

WISDOM
“Without courage, wisdom bears no fruit.”
Baltasar Gracian

TEAM WORK
“Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.”
Helen Keller

PERSERVEANCE
“The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground.”
Author Unknown

FOCUS
“Focus on where you want to go, not on what you fear.”
Anthony Robbins

GROWTH
“Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things
brought together.”
Vincent Van Gogh

BELIEVE & SUCCEED
“Health, happiness, and success depend upon the fighting spirit of each
person. The big thing is not what happens to us in life-but what we do about
what happens to us.”
George Allen

VISION
“Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision just passes
the time. Vision with action can change the world.”
Joel A. Barker

STRENGTH
“The difference between a successful person and others is not the lack of
strength, not the lack of knowledge, but rather in a lack of will.”
Vincent T. Lombardi

FIND YOUR WAY
“If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to
climb it, go through it, or work around it.”
Michael Jordan

CONFIDENCE
“Success doesn’t come to you-you go to it.”
Marva Collins

New Year: 2012 Goals

2012-01-04T14:22:00.000-08:00

1-4-12

HAPPY NEW YEAR one and ALL!!!!!! I hope everyone had a safe, fun, and festive NYE. For the first time in 6 years, I actually got to watch the ball drop in Times Square this year. I watched as Jenny McCarthy, who looked beautiful, do random interviews with people who were freezing on the street, Lady Gaga with a thing on her face that I couldn't for the life of me figure out how she was breathing, and my favorite, Dick Clark, who had obviously worked extensively with a speech therapist, and although he was overtly orange in skin tone, he looked AMAZING!!!!! And with all of this, I sat in reflection: what will 2012 really bring? What messages do I want to send to the Universe to have manifest over the next 12 months?

I do my yearly goal list on 12-31 every year, but this year I started early, and separated everything by month, to help create more realistic goals for myself, easier to achieve and obtain. Obviously, with the piles of mashed potatoes consumed between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, getting back to the gym and practicing yoga, were the first on my list under "January." haha I also have goals of getting back into acting classes, taking improv classes, and starting this weekend, due to a great Groupon and a very good friend, will be learning the Tango. :-) I have made plans to travel to certain destinations, book work on specific sitcoms and primetime shows, and would love nothing more than to see a commercial, I am starring in, while I am watching the Oscars.
I know I am blessed for the things I already have, and I believe you should give thanks, whenever you want more of anything. And as many of you know, I have often quoted a wonderful movie I saw last year, and it is simply, "Happy Thank You, More Please........"

Blessing, Health, success, and prosperity to us ALL for 2012!!!

The Power of the Written Word

2011-12-22T11:56:00.000-08:00

12-22-12

I didn't realize it had been over a month since I last Blogged. I know people that Blog, Tweet, and Facebook everyday. Where do they have the time? Do they get up at 5am, and just start typing? How do you do that if you have a job? I enjoy writing, I do, and it is usually in my journal late at night, before I go to bed, which I was using as a reference when I first started Blogging myself, transferring old journal entries to the computer screen.
I love having a base, things that can be re-read and are tangible by hand. I have all my journals, poems, songs, papers, thesis, and all short stories dating back to junior high school, with all of the original grades and markings. I have saved everything. Don't get the idea that it is gross, as most of you know I am VERY neat and organized, so there is NO need to call the producers of "Hoarders." I just always knew writing would be tied into my life, somehow, someway, and be a very important staple of my well-being, and eventually, income. Expressing feelings on paper is very cathartic, and I have always appreciated those who do the same thing. Whether that comes out in a form of a story, poem, novel, song, movie script, or even just a "To Do" list, writing always helps to put life and things that need accomplishing, in perspective.
When I was younger, I had a crush, as we all do, and there were many poems, graded papers, and songs that came from these feelings. Recently, I had the opportunity, 20 years later, to share all I had written about this person, with him. We laughed and enjoyed the comments, pictures, and silly references to things he and I shared and remembered. It was a great moment in time, and he appreciated I had kept everything all of those years.
Writing also got me in trouble when I was younger too. Something I had written about a teacher in 8th grade, privately, in a friend's year book, was read by this teacher, landing me in the Principal's office with my mother. Needless to say, that was NOT a fun afternoon.

But I also look on-line, reading news stories, and reading other posts and blogs, and rejoice in the power of the written word. Whether it has a positive or negative outcome, someone, somewhere is always reading what you wrote, so keep your pens to paper and fingers to keyboard, EXPRESS yourself, it's our G-d given WRITE!!!! :-)

11-11-11

2011-11-11T09:27:00.000-08:00

11-11-11

On this very numerically linear day, what do you love about your life? What are you thankful for everyday?
I am truly thankful for the people in my life, the love from family and friends that makes a blanket of support to keep me warm. I am blessed to know there are people I can call laughing and crying, and there are no judgements either way. I appreciate the advice I give and receive, knowing those that truly love and care for me will hear the truth, whether it hurts or heals, and I in-turn, get the same.
I am always grateful for the roof over my head. Last year when I had to start life over, and got rid of EVERYTHING I owned due to a bed-bug infestation, (UGH!!!!! So fucking gross!!!!!), unfortunately, it took that moment for me to realize, things are just things. Materialism is nothingness. Anything can be replaced: furniture, clothing, food, appliances, technology, anything, and everything. BUT health, family, friends, IRREPLACEABLE!!! I could be living in a 3rd World country, sleeping in a tent on dirt, eating rice, and covered in disease, but I AM NOT!!!!
I may not have a lot in my house or in the bank, but I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my belly, the use of all my limbs, and all of my senses, (the main 5, common sense, not so much, hahaha) and LOVE in my life.
I have lost many friends and family members over the past few years, and many as a child, so I never take life for granted. I am blessed everyday for just waking up to see a new 24 hours unfold.
I had a rough week and doubted many things, in many different aspects, but had the love and support of some amazing people in my life, and they know who they are!!! I am so eternally grateful and blessed for their patience with me, as I know I am a BIG pain in the ass!!!!
May you all have love and support, and feel thankful on this linear day, and know in your heart, someone out there cares for you, more than you will ever know!!
xoxo

Haha, What Did You Say??? (Part 3)

2011-11-07T17:28:00.000-08:00

"You have to try and kill as many people as you can???? Yeah, that's a fun game....."
Me 9-6-02

"I'm NOT a pathological liar. I'm just a damn good fucking liar!!"
Sal M. 9-9-02

"Oh G-d, he's such a Wigger!!"
Tiffani B. 9-25-02

"Psycho Motor Retardation."
Dr. Vogel 10-7-02

"Doubt limits you from what is already yours, but faith unlocks the door allowing you to walk in and receive it."
Jeanette Tyson Gregory 10-13-02

"To be blind is bad, but worse is to have eyes and not see."
Helen Keller 10-18-02

"What channel is Friday?"
Josh H. 11-12-02

"You'll have to cut your hair 6 inches, and dye it brown."
Wardrobe Department
"OK, if you pay me $5000, I'll do it!!!"
Deirdre L. 11-14-02

"Envy someone and it pulls you down. Admire someone and it builds you up. Which makes more sense?"
Elvis Presley

"If G-d brings to you it, he will bring you through it."

"I feel like I am in 'The Village.'"
Scott B.
"Well, you like like you are in the 'Village People.'"
J.P. 12-17-02

"Yeah, my parents are out there. They live in a gated community."
Robb W. 12-18-02

"Advice is what we ask for when we know the answer, but wish we didn't"
Erica Jong 12-18-02

"If I move up, then I throw-up, which do you prefer?"
George G. 1-1-03

"You see that vein? I wanna lick that vein!"
Jill S. 1-9-03 (About Justin Timberlake's Rolling Stone Cover)

"Why is it going faster now??? Oh, wait, is that a car?"
Matt K. 1-103

"Dreams are but thoughts, until their effects are tried."
William Shakespeare

"We either make ourselves miserable or happy, but the amount of work is the same."
Carlos C. 2-1-03

"He that writes to himself, writes to an eternal public."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

"When in doubt, say 'In Tuscon!'"
Ilene B. 2-10-03

"People may doubt what you say, but they will never doubt what you do."
Anonymous

"You miss 100% of all the shots you never take."
Wayne Gretzky 2-15-03

"Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wing, and only character endures."
Horace Greely

"I can't meet you for breakfast, I'm having alarm clock issues."
Sean S. 4-20-03

What Did You Say???? (Part 2)

2011-10-21T13:16:00.000-07:00

"See how smell I good?"
Me 12-18-00

"That's OK, keep the change, I don't let people rent space in my head."
Candid Camera Episode 3-4-01

"They don't have plates because they are local and Non-Union!!"
Sue Ellen 3-28-01

"Theater, life, cinema, art, television, furniture."
Ken K. 4-4-01

"You better keep your voice down before I stab you with this fork."
Sal M. 4-7-01

"I'm sorry, but I don't remember your name." Waitress to Tommy
"Don't worry, neither does he." Me
4-20-01

"You need the FBI up your ass, like you need a case of the crabs!!"
Jane D. 5-13-01

"You tricked me into screwing myself!"
Sal M. 6-2-01

"You saved me from jail, but you turned me into a faggot!!.............OUCH, that buckle hit my knuckle........Where's BooBoo and Casey?????................Ohhh, I see a little mouse with a ballie attached to it. Come get it babies...................................SEE!!!!!!! What I said before, look at me!!!!"
(He is on the floor under the bed with furry mice trying to play with the cats, dressed as Spiderman!!!!)
Sal M. 6-8-01

"If you kneel before G-d, you can stand before anyone."
Off the sign from Bethel Church in Queens 6-19-01

"I'm getting drunk from your breath."
Dena H. 7-4-01

"Cut a piece, cut a piece!!! Don't eat my NUTS!!!"
Maria M. 7-7-01

"I was starving and I didn't know it." Sal M.
"I was starving and I knew it." Me
"When I'm starving and I know it, I clap my hands!!!!" Sal M.
8-2-01

"I take it off when I'm not wearing it. "
Matt D. 9-1-01

"An eye for an eye, makes both of us blind!"
Frank F. 9-17-01

"I mean come on! He gets paid to wear his own shoes!!!"
Tiffani B. about Michael Jordan 1-8-02

"The only place success comes before work, is in the dictionary."
Anonymous 2-13-02

"It is not for us to decide about life, only to decide what to do with the time we are given."
Gandalf "Lord of the Rings" 3-15-02

"Sex is my favorite perfume."
Chad T. 4-3-02

"Everything is life that is worthwhile, is scary. Choosing a school, choosing a career, getting married, having kids----all of those things are scary. If it is not fearful, it is not worthwhile."
Anonymous 5-6-02

"Courage is fear holding on one minute longer."
Anonymous 5-21-02

"How old are you??? You drink hot water with lemon and you pee all night! You're like my grandmother."
Mike F. 6-3-02

"Wow, I haven't stood around Craft Service like this since my very first background job!" Me
"Really???? I do this ALL the time!!" Mike F.
6-3-02

"Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got anywhere, had to start where they were."
Richard E. 6-5-02

"Oh, I do, I WANNA be fake!!! I want to have NO substance AT ALL!!!"
Jason J. 6-18-02

"When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package."
Unknown 6-19-02

"I'm going to stick with my trend of the evening, by doing absolutely nothing."
Chris 6-27-02

"There are two types of actors: those who say they want to be famous and those who are liars."
Kevin Bacon Interview 7-6-02

"A lie has speed. But the truth has endurance."
Edgar Mohn 7-15-02

"Ewww, you're so gross! You just grew up on grease, huh?" Me
"I'm black!!" Tiffani B.
7-23-02

"Did we make her feel uncomfortable?" Me
"Well, she can sit there, but I'm NOT moving!!' Deirdre L.
8-13-02

"I thought she was some Christian girl trying to chase me!"
Deirdre L. 8-13-02

"You're wasted? Wow, I can't even tell!!!..........Do i look more attractive yet?"
Mike S. 9-4-02

What did you say?????

2011-10-12T12:07:00.000-07:00

Random Quotes:

"There is no problem too hard that cannot be solved. Sometimes you need to accept the consequences of life and skip over the little things; its just a part of being alive!"
Unknown 1-16-99

"Friday was his birthday, but now its Monday. Guess he's a little late for his party."
John B. 7-6-99

"You discover that the more you give of yourself freely in service, the more you are given to give." Unknown 8-15-99

"Give the keys to the guy in the glass." Andrew S.
"Is that like "The Boy in the Bubble?" " Me
8-20-99

"This is such a drag!!!"
Amy D. 9-15-99 (Shooting in "Lucky Chang's" in New York)

"You obviously forgot that you don't remember shit!!"
Amy D. 8-10-99

"Well, he was doing fine until he got shot in the head!"
Bill S. 10-12-99

"You don't diet? I started Atkins today." Woman 1
"Have you ever done the Master Cleanse?" Woman 2
"No, but I used to do Weight Watchers points." Me
"I started Bulimia today." Andy F.
10-25-99

"I wouldn't suck your dick if I was suffocating and there was oxygen in your balls!!"
Kirk U. 11-6-99

"How can you respect and animal that can walk and shit at the same time?"
Tineca B. 11-17-99

"My ex-girlfriend is the Queen of Manipulation."
Tod F. 12-5-99

"I'm not going to dignify that comment with any sort of comment."
Me 12-10-99

"You can eat her out, but you can't take her out!"
Me 12-31-99

"Oh G-d, that is SO FATTENING!!!! It's so unhealthy, and disgustingly greasy! I can't believe you're eating that!!! Gross...............I'll have a bite."
Charlie M. 1-16-00

"If I can reach it, you can have it!" Fred F.
"That's my motto!" Darryl B.
2-9-00

"So, you're rich, and your famous, and it doesn't suck." Rolling Stone Magazine
"Basically." Leo DiCaprio
2-26-00

"Where did he just go?" Me
"He made like a chip and dipped." Jose U.
5-6-00

"Mike, I can't hear you if you talk into the windshield, as I am sitting behind you." Uncle Dick
"He said, if you be quiet, I will let you play yourself in my movie." Me
"Did you say he could play with himself in your movie? Will it be "X" rated?" Dad
"If I play with myself in the movie, it would only be rated "R"." Uncle Dick
"At best it would be "PG." Me
5-7-00

"I'm a good intimidator, I mean ventriloquist, I mean imitator."
Sal M. 8-21-00

"12 will get you 20!"
Michael D. 9-1-00

"When people have insurance, it gives them motivations to do things they never would have done before." Joe J.
"So if you don't take physical risks, what do you do? Read???" Me
"Sometimes." Joe J.
"Then what's your favorite book?" Me
"The TV Guide!" Joe J.
9-1-00

"Do you really like keylime pie, or do you just eat 'cause you're from Florida?"
Stu F. 9-5-00

"I have plenty of friends that are from India, and they are all very beautiful." Barbara A.
"Yeah, but they all smell like Curry!!" Mike E.
9-9-00

"What would you do if you found out one of your ex-girlfriends was a total lesbian now?" Me
"Give her a call!!" Sal M.
9-14-00

"Come lay next to me." Me
"You have no more period?" Sal M.
"How romantic!" Me
9-21-00

"You have desperation in your eyes. You can't take that out with make-up."
Jason J. 9-29-00

"Stop changing the channel. You know I love to watch my cooking shows!!!" Me
"Me too.....but not ALL of the time.............And do we have to watch it in German? I don't even eat fish!!" Sal M.
10-1-00

"Do you need money for lunch?" Sal M.
"No thank you, I will grab something off the craft service table." Me
" "Kraft" has a service table?" Sal M.
10-13-00

"Why don't we make popcorn, and then eat them with Jelly Bellies and Sour Patch Kids?" Me
"Well then, I will have a Diet Coke!" Amy D.
12-3-00

"Who is that?" Mike E.
"Marilyn Manson." Me
"Is that Charles Manson's son?" Mike E.
12-5-00

"She has the Porcupine Syndrome: she's getting stuck by every prick she knows!"
Sal M. 2-5-01

"Do you know you shouldn't wear fur? Because so many trees have to be killed to make the protest signs!!"
Emo P. 2-25-01

Happy, Thank You, More Please......

2011-09-27T07:11:00.000-07:00

September 27, 2011

I felt like writing an entry in real time. I have been inviting people into my past slowly by posting old journal entries, and will continue to do so, but today, I share with you my life now: I have been so blessed in head, heart, and career this year and I know it stems from the thoughts I think, the energy I emit into my own universe, and the people I have chosen to surround myself with on a daily basis. We only have one life to live, and the choices we make, affect, not only us, but those around us. I look at the people who love me unconditionally, family and friends, and feel elated to know they are people who support me in rise and fall. I live in a city and work in a business where everyone knows everyone, and people are quick to judge. I have learned the importance of first impressions, correspondence, and graciousness. And through hard work, patience, and persistence, I have been blessed to have worked on some amazing sets, locations, and stages all over Southern California since January.I continue to pursue projects that call to me, entice me, and intrigue me. I thank all of the Casting Directors that have called me into their offices for auditions, pitched me to directors and producers, and in turn have helped me secure a booking. I appreciate all of amazing people I have met along the way. The actors that inspire, the directors that teach and mold, and the craft itself. I love walking out of the door ever morning and loving where I am going. Why would anyone want to live a life or have a job or career they hate, and intern, hate themselves for it? We have all done it, including myself. Denzel Washington once said, "We do what we have to, so we can do what we want to." I am, and I DO!!!! Happy, Thank You, More, Please.......

A Poem from Journal #10

2011-09-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

September 20, 2001

The leaves are drenched and are slowly dying, turning brown.
Clouds of charcoal and gray fly by my window, so quickly,
As if they don't want to be around me either.
You left on a beautiful, sunny day, and now I only have rain.
I don't want to cry anymore.
I lay and wait for a moment to pass over me, to help
guide me back down the path to a smile.

The radio still plays happy songs about love
  and sad songs about breaking up.
The TV, as always, is right on schedule, the news,
  the sitcoms, the made for TV movies.
I stare at the black screen, hoping if I turn on the color
  and the chaos, it will make me smile, it will help me get lost
  in someone else's world.
I know we wanted to live and die like Romeo and Juliet,
  but I am not ready to join you on the other side.
Please forgive me for living.
But is living without you, really living?

Journal Entry from 9/11

2011-09-11T16:24:00.000-07:00

September 11, 2001

CRAZY!!! What is happening??? This is a historical day. I am in a room in some Seaside Inn, with the cast and crew of Dennis Leary's new show "The Job." We are here because we couldn't get back to the city. We are under attack by terrorists, and the US is upside-down. There have been plane crashes all over the East Coast. The World Trade Towers are GONE!!!!!!!! I will never get to eat in "Windows on the World" this is so tragic, so heartbreaking, such a crush and blow to everyone everywhere. How many people work in World Trade? I saw people jumping out of the building. The things we do to try and save our own lives. What did they think they were going to land on? What goes through your mind when you make that decision in the first place? And what happened inside the buildings? Did the phones still work? Did the elevators still work? Can you imagine all the people downtown right now? I am sure everything is barricaded. Sal is my only contact right now. I spoke with Tiff for a second, but she slept through it and didn't know what was going on until I called. Thank G-d Sal is psycho about always knowing where I am with this fucking Nextel Walkie Talkie on my phone. Cell phone lines are all busy and before we left set, I was helping people get in touch with their family and friends. Sal was calling everyone from our land line. I just want to go home. I want to be in my own bed with Sal and my kitties. I know Tiff is scared. FUCKING CRAZINESS!!!!!!! I think we have a ton of canned food and water just in case. I need to get food for the babies. How are we gonna get back into the city? We are all trapped out here. They shut the bridges down. Angel is a nice girl. She has been on the phone with her boyfriend this whole time. People keep coming in and out of our room. We have all left our doors open. The crew guys are so nice. I just can't believe this, so unreal.

We got picked up this morning on Varick at 6am, and were bussed down to some Country Club in Jersey. We had all eaten breakfast, gone through hair and make-up, and wardrobe, and were placed on set by 745am. Prop guys were passing out walk-man's, but I had mine and was listening to 1010 WINS for the morning news. We were doing a pool scene, and had a perfect view of lower Manhattan. I could see the towers from the lounge chair I was in. We were rolling and had already done a couple takes, and then the first tower got hit, but I didn't notice at first. I couldn't hear it, but they were talking about it on the news. So it was like I was getting commentary, and I yelled, "World Trade got hit, we are under attack!!!!" The First AD came to pull me off set, as he said I had ruined the shot and he needed me to stand on the side and be quite. I screamed, "No, No, look," and pointed to the sky, and then everyone saw. And there was silence. For some reason we weren't getting local TV channels, only BBC, and all of us, cast and crew, gathered around and watched the chaos. Then the second plane hit, and we all saw the smoke and the fire, and it was like watching an action movie being filmed in front of you. A first row seat to war or a combat zone. The smoke was so thick, the fire was so big, and everyone was crying, screaming, making calls.

Sal started chirping me on the Walkie Talkie, and ironically, I thought, after months of bitching to him that I felt like I was under lock-and-key with this fucking phone, now I was actually glad we had contact. No one could get through to anyone on their phones as it was all busy signals. I was getting numbers from people left and right who wanted Sal to call their wives, husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, mom's, dad's, children, anyone and everyone who could be reached. He had the best of luck calling people's land-lines. Cell phones were a NO go. Once the bridges were closed down to get in or out of the city, I knew it would be days before I got home. The production company grabbed all of the rooms in this INN and now we are all just glued to the TV.

The Pentagon was hit. There were 8 planes total that were hijacked. I am in total shock, I just can't believe all of this. Mom and dad couldn't get through to me, but they both talked with Sal, so they know I am ok. Mom is freaking out, and dad wanted to make sure I had supplies at home, cause he thinks the stores are going to get raided and emptied out. Sal went to put gas in his car and he said he sat there for almost an hour! I just keep thinking of all of those people who left their families to go to work this morning, and now they are either trapped in the building trying to get out, trying to survive. This is real life tragedy. Now what?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 14, 2001

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 17, 2001
I don't want to go to Tallahassee anymore. I don't want to fly. I don't ever want to fly again. I'm glad Sal and I saw everyone in February for Max's bday, because its going to be a long time before I get onto an airplane. Its funny how things in New York will never be the same, but all over the world, everything has gone back to normal. People are still waking up, going to work, going to school, living life, and here, nothing will ever be "normal" again.

A couple of entries from Journal #3

2011-08-29T19:43:00.000-07:00

November 28, 1999

What a crazy day. I finally finished all of my laundry, and now I'm on the train heading to Todd's to see a movie. In 12 hours I will be on a plane heading to Miami for 24 hours and then Amy and I are going to drive a UHAUL truck back to New York. Are we fucking nuts or what???? I know its going to be cold, and we will only have radio stations, no tape or CD player. But maybe there will be some end of the year countdown on one of the stations that will keep us occupied for a while. And maybe when we drive through North Florida, we can hear Jrock on the Clear Channel Station in the morning. I'm so baked right now, riding on the train and writing in cursive, my hand is sweating. What am I going to do for New Years Eve? 2000!!!!!! How wonderful, how exciting, how depressing. I don't have a date, and I don't want to be alone. Maybe we can see if Chris Murphy is doing any good parties that night. I forgot to check the schedule to see if I was working or not anyway, getting off the train.....

Todd is CRAZY!!!! what is he playing with, some weird gun, and he made Calvin, his kitty, dance for him. I'm laughing so hard right now. He's on the phone with his grandmother, and he put her on the phone with me. She asked if we were stoned........oh, granny.

November 29, 1999

"Our Trip"

We left Monday at 630pm with 2150 miles to go.

Mileage countdown: Gas:

745pm-80 mls $32

945pm-202 mls $40

1045pm-260 mls- in Georgia $37

120am-407 mls $30

300am-499 mls- in South Carolina

I drove that whole way!!!!!!

We stopped in Port St. Lucie and in North Daytona.

We slept in the truck from 430-730am.

Amy drove from 730-915am.

1015am: getting coffee, cigarettes, and snacks at "Starvin' Marvin":

Amy: Where the fuck are we right now?

Clerk: You're right smack dab in da midda of Nort' Car-lina!

(he has 6 teeth total, a goatee with food hanging from it, and please hear this in your head with a horrible southern accent)

We both have our period. Amy feels horrible and has cramps and doesn't want to drive, AT ALL!!! I have a cigarette box full of joints keeping me very occupied. Fuck it all! Our check engine light came on. We are at a gas station. Amy feels like total shit, she thinks I jinxed our trip somehow, are you kidding me???? I feel horrible TOO!!! I feel like I am hemorrhaging and I have already thrown out 2 pairs of underwear! AHHHHH!!! I hope everything is ok with the truck, I just want to get home to Casey!!!! I miss my kitty.......

Amy: I think we are in hell

Me: "But we want it that way....." (to the tune of Back Street Boys "I Want It That Way")

Amy's cranky. I asked for my purse, and when I gave it back to her, she threw it on the floor, and my lotion exploded, and now its everywhere! FUCK!!!

1115am-765 mls

Amy nudges me to see if I am ok. Then proceeds to smack me across the boob, they are swollen and sore:

Me: Ouch, bitch! Now I just want to rip my tits off!!!!

Amy: How lovely.....but me too!!! hahahahaha

1234pm-no mileage

We have finally entered Virginia. Our batteries on the tape player die: Radio Time!!! The stations are HORRID!!

LUMS!!!!!! (for lunch)

Washington

Maryland

Delaware

Philadelphia

945pm-1215 mls

Me: Wish I had brought more bud or rolled more joints at your mom's.

Amy: Why didn't you? Well, shit, she only got a bag as big as cotton balls.

(And yet, again, please hear this in your head with a horrible southern accent)

New York:

Dropped Amy off at her place on the East Side, and then got on the FDR to go home to the Bronx. But I have never driven in New York, not in a car, not on the highways, or much less in a commercial vehicle. So I got pulled over. I somehow missed the sign that said "No commercial vehicles." But I had an ashtray full of roaches from smoking bud for 2 days, and got paranoid he was going to search the car, so I swallowed them all with a BIG gulp of water. My ticket was only $65, better than going to jail. But when I got home, and unloaded the truck, a few hours later, my hands and face got really sweating, as I got super stoned all of a sudden and forgot I had eaten all those roaches. I felt like I was tripping. But I got in a zone, and managed to get everything off the truck and unpacked. Now I am just glad I have all of my clothes and some furniture and my computer and TV. I actually feel like I live in New York now, it was so worth the trip, kinda.

Entry from Journal #3

2011-08-25T10:22:00.000-07:00

November 17, 1999

On Monday, Amy and I ran errands and we met Todd at his apartment about 830pm. We got crazy stoned and then went to eat Thai food. We went back to his place and smoked some more, and then we all passed out. Yesterday I ran some errands and I was supposed to work, but they didn't need me, and so Amy met me at Lola's and we were going to meet Todd at his apartment, but we ended up going to Pets on Lex, as always, and I got CASEY!!!!! He's a 6 month old Himalayan, and I love him!!!! He has a cold.


Casey after summer shave

Today I trained on the floor for lunch at Lola's. It's SO EASY!!!! Sunday I went to hang out with Jake and Eddie. We all rolled, and there was Special K in the pill, and I ended up in a K hole for 4 hours and puked twice, until I sobered up. Everyone ended up going to Scores and I just went home, alone, all the way to the Bronx. Ugh, it was a horrible train ride.

Todd came up to the Bronx Tuesday night to meet Casey, because we were all supposed to hang out, but I didn't want to leave Casey alone. I have to meet with Bob Klein tomorrow and ask for my paycheck from the shoot, and see if I can keep some of those clothes. I picked up a shift for the weekend, and got scheduled for next week, so I will be able to pay some shit off finally. Hopefully I will make some money to pay Amy back for Casey before the end of the year. Michael Dylan left for Turkey and of course did not pay me for the shoot. And I know he used those pictures for the billboards outside his store over there.

I'm really tired, I am going to memorize my sides for my audition tomorrow, 90210 will be on soon, and the I will go to bed. I have a long day tomorrow and would love to book this Mattel job for the Toy Fair.

A sweet letter from a friend from Journal #3

2011-08-17T13:15:00.000-07:00

October 30, 1999

"Michelle,

I didn't want to get all serious at the bar, but I just want you to know that I hope you will keep in touch with me and never forget all the laughs we had. I hope you can work things out with Abraham (about my job)-but if not, fuck it then. You are an extremely strong individual-and I know you will rise above anything. Keep pursuing your dreams, because you are a "go getter" and I trust that you will be a success in everything you do. It's very important that you don't forget me, and make sure to stay friends with me and Kareem, or as you would say, "Kareem and I." I am sorry about what happened, as I know (financially) it couldn't have come at a worse time for you. If you need anything-you know my number.

Love you girl,

Amber"

A Poem from Journal #3

2011-08-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

October 22, 1999

I've walked this path before.

I've felt these feelings and thought these thoughts.

I've wondered who the Master's had waiting for me.

I've been patient and passive.

I've been a flirt, a tease, a love, and a whore.

Maybe this is because I wasn't looking for it.

I think he is beautiful, body and face.

I think he is intelligent, heart and soul.

And now I'm completely craving him to make love to me all night, forever and always.

He thinks I am smart, beautiful, and full of life.

I want to share myself with him, my life, my everything.

What lies behind us, is what lies behind us only.

What lies before us, are only tiny manners that lie between us.

When you are one, you are alone.

When you are two, you are together.

When you are three, you are for each other.

When you are four, you are forever.

So what is love then?

People say "I love you" but its followed by saying, "I love you too."

Through love, I can feel truthfulness, and this I know when I am around you.

I feel passion when I am around you too.

I feel you through the sun, the moon, the trees, and the ocean when we are together.

So I never say "I love you" because I feel it everywhere.

I never say "I love you" because there is sadness and vulnerability in those words.

I find myself saying "I'm sorry" instead.

I never have to say "I love you" because it lives within us.

It is our church and our temple.

So live your life as the chosen one, for that is the only free thing in the world.

You have the gift of the belief and the belief of G-d,

Which you need to believe and follow forever.

I love you......

A Poem from Journal #2

2011-08-12T11:37:00.000-07:00

Smelly, Old, Young, New

Smiling, Loving, Kissing, Hugging

Sleeping, Dreaming, Thinking

Playing, Tanning, Sunning, Shading

Reading, Writing, Painting

Waiting,

Knowing, Showing

Happy, Sad, Green, Fresh

Hoping, Praying, Sharing

Day or Night,

Welcome to Central Park

Entries from Journal #2

2011-08-02T17:27:00.000-07:00

August 2, 1999

On Wednesday Amy and I went upstate to Woodstock to shoot a calender for "Team Savage." We were also picked to do posters for the calender promotion. We were there until Saturday afternoon. It was slightly fun, but we were treated so poorly. We met some nice people, we got tan, and when the calender comes out, we will get paid handsomely. When we got back into the city, Matt and Jon came to pick us up, but we weren't going to dinner like planned, we were going to one of their friend's houses out in New Jersey. They had brought 3 bottles of champagne in the car, so we were all shit faced by the time we got out there. And then we all took some pills, which I later found out were Qualudes, and the night of madness ensued. We swam, sang, danced, yelled, screamed, and had a blast. I lost one of my diamond earrings in the shower. Then I went downstairs at 230 or 3 and played pool with Mike and Jon, as everyone else was passed out. But Matt and Amy were snoring so loud, the 3 of us left and headed back into the city. We were drunk as shit, sitting in Mike's mansion's elevator, it was weird and funny at the same time. Then Amy and Matt called and wanted to know where we were, and they drove back into the city to meet us at Mike's. They picked us up and we headed to Jon's, who lives around the corner from me. Crazy!!!! We stayed up all night, while Jon tried to teach me how to play chess, but Amy and Matt were snoring so loud, we went to my place and passed out. We all slept until noon, and then I had to do laundry and clean, because I had a ton of castings on Monday and wanted to pull myself together for the week. Tuesday afternoon, I went job hunting and got interviewed again with the owner Wednesday night. I got the job and start on Monday!!! Yay :) Last night, Amy and I went out with this guy Bill and his friend Kevin. He's some big so-in-so, but I don't remember what he said he did. And today we are working on "The Dance" as background and there are over 600 of us here today, and I'm one of 'em. Tomorrow I am going to the Hampton's for the weekend again. I love going out there, yay :)

August 18, 1999

Last night I hung out with Jon again. We had fun, grabbed a bite to eat, and went back to his place to watch "K2." I love that movie. Hadn't seen it since high school. Then after a couple of cocktails, we threw eggs at cars as they drove by us. I was laughing my ass off. I have never done anything like that. Then he told me about his trip to Mount McKinley in Alaska. He reads a lot and I LOVE that!!! Never met any guy who reads as much as I do, and admits to it. He's easy to talk to, we have a lot of fun together, and he really reads through people when they are lying and bullshitting a bullshitter (which most of us are). He asked me to go camping with him this weekend, but I have to work and move out of Amy's or Lara is going to have a fit. I would LOVE to go camping, haven't been since college, but I have to get my priorities in order.

September 3, 1999

What a crazy week I've had. Amy called me Sunday morning from the Hampton's because she had lost her purse, her phone, her bank card, her mind. She rolled the night before and got out of control. Then Tuesday I ran into Dustin Hoffman on my way to the subway, almost tripped into him, and then went to work and saw Vincent Young from 90210. Wednesday, I was supposed to go out to dinner with Kevin after we had made plans, AND he called to confirm, and then he ended up standing me up. So instead of sitting home alone, Amy invited me to go to Whiskey Blue with her, and there was Kevin, sitting with Bill and Lara when we walked in the door. What an asshole. And Lara made it obvious I am not welcome around her, I never get a good vibe from her, and she told Amy she doesn't want me living in her apt. I never did anything to her though. I felt really uncomfortable sitting there drinking with everyone, especially after Kevin stood me up. But he said he felt like an asshole, and had nothing to say to defend himself. What fucking ever guy.

We all left and went to dinner at "Elbow Room." It was a karaoke bar, UGH, it was SO LOUD in there. Amy ended up completely shitfaced and sang "Dancing Queen" at the top of her lungs. So I left, I couldn't take it anymore. Then Wednesday on my way home from work, I met this guy named Charlie Minn, who literally pulled me off the sidewalk and said he knew who I was. Turns out to be a film maker, an Oliver Stone wannabe (an obsessor) and much more. Amy and I met with him Thursday afternoon for drinks at Hooligan's on Lex and 42nd. We chatted about movies, stars, Oliver, the biz, etc. He's actually really nice and we had a good time. But I had to go to work, and refused to tell him where I worked, even though he asked 3 times. Then Charley said he had to go meet a friend of his for drinks on the East side, and excused himself too. And ironically he was there at a table, when I got to work. Out of all the places in New York, what are the fucking chances?!?!?!?! Ugh, guess he knows where to find me now. Then about 1230am, Lillo came in with his Italian mafioso's and sat in the back of the club. I called Amy!!!! She couldn't believe it. "A Bronx Tale" is her favorite movies and we had just watched it a few weeks ago. It was INSANE!!! He asked security who the red-head was, and I took care of their table all night. I ended up taking him and his friend Joey home with me and we ended up drinking until 7am. We slept until 1045 when the phone rang and Lara said she was coming by to get the rent from us. What a bizarre week, random people, places, and things. I can't wait to see how next week unfolds.....

Entry from Journal #1

2011-07-28T19:06:00.000-07:00

Sunday April 11, 1999

Finally we are in the air and heading back to Ft. Lauderdale!!!! Leaving Dallas, we have been here for 4 days, shooting the Superbowl type scene for the end of movie. Its 730pm Texas time. We were supposed leave 2 hours ago, but there was something wrong with the plane. What a crazy, fucked up weekend we had!!!! We left Thursday early morning, Sam took us to the airport and I was so high. Amy and I flew out of Ft. Lauderdale with Jo, and she sat with us. When we got to Dallas, Cat, Sasha and Sara's plane had already come in from Miami and Karin was coming in on another flight. We ended up staying at the Marriott and not the Omni, BUDGET!!!!!! Amy and I shared a room. We went to some outlet mall. It looked just like Sawgrass Mills!!Amy spent $300 and Cat spent $400, and I spent $5 on a pair of jeans from the Gap that were on sale! We shopped for over 3 hours and got back to the hotel at 8pm. The 3 of us watched "Indecent Proposal" while we showered and got ready to head out. We got dressed up and headed over to the Omni to meet a ton of people for drinks. We hung out with Oliver, Jamie Williams, Jamie Foxx, Bill Belamy, Gianni Russo, Andrew Baryniarski, and Jason, the catering dude. I left Amy with some drunk guy named Ted, while I went to smoke with Oliver, Andrew and Jason. Donna from makeup dept. came, and she was wasted!!! Sal the DP came later and chatted with me for a while. Then I got totally trashed too. We were there until almost 3am!!! We all had SO MUCH FUN!!! Jamie W drove all of us back to the hotel, as we had an early call time for Friday.

In the morning, the shuttle came to take us to set and we sat there in the stands all day. We got back to the hotel at 8pm. We went out with some friends of Cat and Serge's. We were at some Cigar Bar downtown. I didn't have the greatest time, and was sunburned and tired. Saturday we were shooting back in the stadium, but they had a contest on the local radio station, that there were prizes going to be given away, and they filled half the stadium with random, unpaid people who just wanted to be a part of Oliver's movie, it was insanity!!!! We sat in the stands in the morning and weren't used for over 6 hours, so we hung out in Jamie W's trailer, walked around, and then we were escorted out to the field like princesses.

Jamie Williams

We ate lunch with Jamie W and Jamie F and we were all so stoned, laughing our asses off!! Jamie F is one of the FUNNIEST people I have ever met in my life!!! Then when we went back to set, we all got into a fight with Lauren Holly because she had been sitting in her trailer ALL day long, making up, and hearing random stories about the 7 "Players Wives" sleeping around to go on location to Dallas. How dumb is THAT???? Who would I have slept with? To get to Dallas?? Would have had to be someone in the production office, hahahaha, what a bitch. I wish I had slept with someone, because then we would have at least stayed at the Omni!!! She started in on us in front of all these people about how we were "sluts" and "whores" blah blah blah. Then she ran out to the field and was telling everyone and anyone that would listen about whatever she was making up about us! It was such an episode, it reminded me of junior high school! She made such a fool of herself. Then we all got upgraded and signed our first Warner Brothers contract, YAHOO! But Amy never got her speaking part, so that really sucked and I was sad for her. At the end of the day, the drama with Lauren, saying goodbye to everyone, crying and being sad, drained us all, and everyone went to bed early.

Sara, Sasha, Jo, Lauren, Cat, Me, and Amy

In the morning, Amy and I met Cat for breakfast, we were all so sad the movie was done, and we were going back to Miami to our regular lives.Amy and I tried to change our flight, but it was going to cost another $75 so we said fuck it. We packed, said our goodbyes to Cat, and headed to the airport. We were delayed for 2 hours and now we are finally in the air. So now after working on the movie for over 3 months with the aggravation, stress, makeup, candy, soda, coffee, cigarettes, turkey sandwiches, craft service, "Fred McMuffins", fruit water, Twizzlers, cigarettes, coffee, drugs, pictures, cameras, shopping, drinking, smoking, parties, dinners, drama, phone calls, vouchers, coffee, cigarettes, worrying, lying, scamming, sneaking, basecamp football games, secrets, rumors, RAIN, sunburns, waiting, Sal, Neil, Oliver, both Jamie's, Jason, Jay, Donna, LARRY, Brian, Lauren being a fucking bitch, LL having a disco ball in his trailer, getting to Dallas, trying to stay, trying to leave, ITS ALL OVER!!!! The movie has ended, but this is only the beginning, for all of us..........

A Poem from Journal #1

2011-07-20T15:25:00.000-07:00

March 7, 1999

The short, gray woman before me has walked the same path as me.

She has seen the good and the bad I have done.

She has learned from my mistakes, been happy for me when I succeed.

Sad for me when I fail.

She walks tall within all of my accomplishments, yet she never supports me, though I have always supported her.

She's stood behind me when I need a kick in the ass, and next to me when I have needed a friend.

She never talks back, but I always know what she is thinking.

She dresses to the nines and rarely wears her hair down.

She has an aire about her, yet people walk all over her anyway.

She is strong.

She is smart.

She is my shadow.

Entries from Journal #1

2011-07-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

On set in the Make-up trailer

March 2, 1999

Today is our fourth week on set. Yesterday I did an awesome scene with Al Pacino!!!! I played a waitress in a cafe with his son, Jim Caviezel. I actually had lines and had fun banter with Al. Then I overheard him talking with Oliver about me, and he said I impressed him and he was pleased and happy to work with me! What a compliment, holy shit!

Amy and I at Penrod's for the football game

After we shot my scene, we went to Penrod's to film a football scene between the "Wives" and the "Players" and I actually got to be QB!!!!! It was an amazing day!!!! I can't believe this is all real, working with Oliver and Al!!!

And today Amy and I are sitting here out in the sun. I don't think we are going to be used today. Amy brought some "Happy Camper" pills and tried to give one to Oliver, but instead he took the whole bottle!!!! How does she ask for them back? hahaha It was one of the funniest things I have seen in a while. Anyway, why complain we are baking in the sun, when we are getting paid to sit and do nothing? I love this life!...............

Lauren Holly, Me, and one of the German girls

I just got moved away from Amy and placed next to Lauren Holly for this one shot. She's super tan, and really fit. I heard she got a trainer for this movie, because Oliver wanted her to be mentally and physically strong!!!! She is married to Dennis Quaid's character. He's a nice guy too. Everyone on set is just as lovely as I hoped they would be.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

March 7, 1999

Just got called from Neil at Unique Casting, and found out, unfortunately, that I will not be working tomorrow on set. I got my upper ear and belly pierced the night we went to dinner with Rod Stewart, but every time I book a photoshoot, I have to take it out. One of these days models with be covered in piercings and tattoos!!! But by then, I will probably be old and not modeling bikini's anyway! hahaha Last Saturday, Amy and I went out with Jaime Williams, he said he co-wrote the movie with Oliver. It was his birthday. We got hammered and I didn't want to drive home, so I stayed the night at Amy's. Mom and I watched the SAG Awards tonight. I can't wait to attend one day!! There are so many things I want to do, so many places I want to go......so many bills I have to pay off!!!! I just want to fulfill all my dreams, so that when I die, there's nothing I haven't done, no dream or goal I left unfulfilled in this life! I have an inner peace though, and I know Fate and G-d will guide me in the direction I need to go in.

More Entries from Journal #1

2011-07-15T16:28:00.000-07:00

February 11, 1999

Today is the fourth day I'm on the set of Oliver's new movie. So far I have met Oliver, Al, and most of the cast and crew. I'm hoping to eventually get a speaking part! Cameron and Dennis are on set today and I know I will meet them both. I bet Dennis will like Amy because she looks a little like Meg Ryan. Oliver adores these 2 German girls we met and we all ate dinner together last night. Four of the other girls may not come back today and work, which is good for Amy and I. I called in sick to work today just so I could be here on set. I didn't go to Maryanne's party at the Prince's house because I had been on set all day, and I was just too tired. Bill and LT invited me to go out with them last night, but I said no, because I was just too tired. I have to work on Saturday night at Joe's. I bought a bunch of Valentine's Day cards, but haven't mailed them yet.

I'm sitting here by myself in the food tent by all the trailers, drinking coffee. What am I doing again here today? When am I going to get pinched and realize this is all a dream and I'm going to wake up. Is this movie fantasy going to last? I hope so. I am going to eat some cereal, and enter my illusionist world for the day.......

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February 25, 1999

Amy and I are still on the movie set. We went to dinner at The Forge on Friday night with Rod Stewart. He sent his limo driver to pick us up and we had drinks at Lowe's, the new hotel on Ocean Drive. There was this girl who was total white trash with us and she fucked up the whole night!!! She got hammered at dinner and afterwards, she took us to some strip club she used to work at all the way up past Fort Lauderdale!!! I suggested we go to Prince Walid's house, but by the time we made it back to South Beach, it was too late and everyone wanted to go home. The night was a huge FLOP!! The limo was groovy though.

Saturday we were on set at the Orange Bowl. Amy and I got upgraded by Oliver and we officially became "Football Player Wives!!!" Oliver took us out to dinner to Wish. We smoked in the alley behind the restaurant, and we were so stoned! Cameron came with a couple friends, and she is actually really cool. We had fun at dinner, and went to Cabaret afterwards. I saw Chuck Velasco from Sunset there!!! Small world. I passed out in the VIP section in the back for almost an hour. Then I woke up, and rejoined our crew. We had a lot of fun. Oliver is awesome! He has a great personality, he's truly funny, and a pure genius! Monday we weren't on set, but I had a photoshoot on the beach. It was so much fun! Tuesday and Wednesday Amy and I got paid to do nothing on set. I don't even think we are doing anything today either. The photoshoot on Monday was crazy. It was freezing out and I went into the water to do a series of shots. The pictures will be amazing, I can't wait to see them. I think they are calling us now to set actually....

Entries from Journal #1

2011-07-12T18:48:00.000-07:00

February 4, 1999

I just got a job at Joe's Stone Crabs and ate with the Saudi Arabian Prince Walid last night. I have to be at work at 3pm, set up, and then eat staff meal at 345pm. They don't open until 5pm, so I eat gourmet food and do nothing for almost 2 hours!!!! Last night, dinner was INSANE!!!!! We ate at Cabaret. There were 10 of us and the bill was over $900. The food was very good. The models were nice. I met Elaina, she lives with Gaby from the runway show I did last week, in the 750 Collins model apts. I can't believe how much dinner was, or how much money people spend!! Some people just don't appreciate a dollar, or they have so much, that it just doesn't matter. Must be nice. I will know of this very soooooooon.
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February 8, 1999

I am sitting here in a trailer on Brickell Avenue for an Oliver Stone movie. They called me late last night and I am going to be here for the next 2 days. On Wednesday, its Marianne's birthday at Prince Walid's house. It should be fun. I have to work on Thursday and Saturday night at Joe's. I was supposed to play Volleyball for Marianne representing our modeling agency in Volley Palooza, but our team got disqualified, for a reason, I STILL have yet to understand. I'm waiting to get my hair and make-up done. The make-up artist reminds me of Papa Si. His name is Jay. Al Pacino and Cameron Diaz are supposed to be here for the movie. Who knows who else I will get to meet this week. I want to try and get a picture with Al to add, actually to basically start a collection of me with famous people I work with. Maybe to prove to others I am telling the truth. Its so funny how people talk shit. Everyone thinks they know everyone. "Oh, I know so-in-so" BULLSHIT. Who cares who you know. Does anyone really care? Yesterday Mom told me no matter who I meet or where I end up, to just remember who I am. I always will. I just want to pay off my bills, especially my financial aid!!!!!!!! Total with Credit cards, I should be able to book a couple of big modeling jobs, and that will help me pay that off. We will see.

I began keeping a journal because........

2011-07-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

Journal #1
First Entry: December 3, 1998

"Michelle,
I bought this so that whenever you were in the mood, you could write poetry, draw, or just keep a journal. Life offers wonderful things & if you look close enough, it should inspire. I thought this book was really cool. It reminds me of that sexy dress in that painting I did of you. I hope you like it & I love you very much,
Cary"

And so it all began......

2011-06-30T11:54:00.000-07:00

Dearest Friends and Family,

On Tuesday, June 30th, 2009, BooBoo Bernard ascended to Heaven, and is now an angel up there, as he was down here.

The mass, which doctors did not know at the time to be 100% Cancer and needed to be removed regardless, turned out to be much more. Once on the operating table, the cancer had taken over his entire insides, covering his lymph nodes, bowel, abdominal area, and small and large intestines with cancer. It was everywhere, and nothing could be done to save him. I was told the original mass must have been the size of a dust speck, and was so aggressive and progressive, it grew in just 30 days. The original mass found, which was the size of a baseball when I had contacted everyone about the surgery on Friday, had doubled in size in just 5 days. By Tuesday morning, the cancer had grown so badly, it had fused his intestinal walls together to form one large mass. My poor sweet angel was given no other option, and was put to sleep.

BooBoo was a baby when I got him, small, and mischievous. He loved to play, and chat, and give kisses and love to everyone that met him. He brought great joy to my life, and others, and for this I feel blessed to have known such a great love.

Casey and I have been trying to adjust, as it is quiet here without our little kitty. I wanted to greatly thank from the bottom of my heart, those who donated so generously to help save him. I was so overwhelmed with everyone's gifts. The funds were used for all medical expenses, surgery, and cremation. I again thank all those who gave, and will be forever indebted to you.

I also thank everyone for the love, support, cards, emails, calls, and text messages expressing sympathy. I send my love to all of you in return.

I hope everyone has peaceful and blessed week.
Michelle and Casey

"Do you know who Luke Perry is?" and so it began

2011-06-27T15:16:00.000-07:00

My uncle is an accountant. He did the taxes for a big agency on South Beach in the 80's and 90's known as Runway Models. My first booker, Ann Blau, saw a picture of me on my uncle's desk, and asked, "Who is that? And how tall is she?" It was just that simple.

I started modeling when I was 15. Booked the first casting I ever went on, a runway show at The Fashion Mall in Plantation, Fla. We were to model for Express, The Limited, and Wet Seal. (very hip and trendy clothing at the time) My dad drove me to the casting, I did various "poses" and walked back and forth the length of the conference room. And when I was done, I was told to take a seat, and my dad and I were asked,

"Do you know who Luke Perry is?"

My dad and I looked at each other, and I said, "A new local designer??"

Luke Perry

The client laughed, as "Beverly Hills, 90210" was the new hit show on TV and Luke Perry, "Dylan McKay," was all the rage with girls from 9- 90!!! He was part of a big mall tour across the US promoting the show for the WB network. He would be doing an appearance at the mall, and coming out on stage after our runway segment. Needless to say security was expecting between 400-500 people, and when over 10,000 screaming fans stomping the 3 level mall, showed up, maddening, hectic chaos was an understatement, to say the least.

Each model had their own security guard escort them upstairs to a safe haven, after the runway stage came crumbling down, trampled by adoring fans, in a failed attempt to reach the TV star. Luke Perry was literally walked in through the back door, and walked out in less than 4 minutes. 2 girls were caught under the debris and rushed to the hospital.

After trying to do "Mannequin" and "Window" modeling amongst a still boisterous crowd, the models were sent home, and the incident was on the 5 o'clock news, and in all the papers the next morning.

Despite the chaos and insanity, I was hooked!!!! "Cool," I thought to myself, sitting in the back of the car on the way home, "celebrities, clothes, press, fans.......wow!!!"

My friends didn't believe me until I showed them pictures, and they saw for themselves the write-ups and the news stories.

90210 became my new favorite show. :-)

First one, here we go......

2011-06-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

Name: Michelle
Occupation: Professional Actress (aka: paid dreamer)
City: LaLa Land, CA
Age: 30 something (always give an age "range")
Sex: Yes please

Born and raised in Miami, Fla. I am a Florida State Seminole. I started modeling when I was 15, acting, well since I was born, (aren't we all performers?), and singing since I was 5. I love to entertain. After graduating from FSU, I moved backed to Miami, and continued to book print and runway work. Then along came Oliver Stone and Al Pacino, doing a movie in South Beach, "Any Given Sunday", which was my first acting job. This is my scene with Al and Jim Caviezel.

Once we traveled back from location shooting in Dallas, TX, I ventured north to New York. There I continued to act and model, enjoy Broadway shows, and amazing restaurant fare. I met friends I will have for life, but froze my ass off during the winter. Being raised in shorts and sandals is quite different than fur lined coats, wool socks, boots, and long underwear!!!!! I studied at Stella Adler Acting Academy and had private coaching with Michael Imperioli of Sopranos fame. So I ventured west to Los Angeles, a happy medium between Miami and New York, where I could continue to pursue my dream. Here I studied at the Beverly Hills Playhouse, and again there, met friends I will have for life.

My blog will be adventures of auditioning and being on set, and excerpts of my journals, which I have been writing in since January of '99. Names will be changed to protect those who at no fault of their own, entered into my life, for better or for worse. I hope you enjoy my ramblings......